If you’re merely tolerating him, rather than enjoying him, you’re wasting both his time and your time. Similarly, if there’s no physical chemistry – meaning, anything less than a 5 or a 6 in that department – cut him loose. You shouldn’t force yourself into believing that he’s cute because he’s nice.
You need to have some spark to start – and that spark usually grows over time after you come to love the guy.
This is why I have long advocated putting compatibility up on the same pedestal as chemistry, and perhaps elevate it even higher.
Simply put: A relationship with a 7 chemistry and a 10 compatibility is a happy marriage.
They don’t need to be good looking, but you need to feel happy with their face, and their touch.
Dating-new people in your life, No chemistry with the perfect guy, sounds like a nice guy who has a lot going for him.
I have read through over 40 pages of archives from your blog, and I can’t find the answer to this one. He really likes me a lot and has been clear about that. –TJ Dear TJ, Thanks for the important question, and for giving me a platform to clear up some misconceptions about what I teach.
And he is great: cute, smart, successful, shares my religion and interests, we both value family a lot, and he is treating me like gold. For those of you who are new to this blog, one of my pet topics is the concept that chemistry is all too often an illusion.
I for some folks it is very hard datinv just relax and be yourself early on in the dating guuy Maybe there is something built fuy us, to prevent us from getting that spine tingling sensation for every nice person we meet.Of course, it’s still a wonderful feeling, but life experience and science have taught us a few things about chemistry. Usually, chemistry lasts from 1 ½ to 3 years before it wears off. At this point, many women become disillusioned with their partners, even though all it means is that you’re finally seeing him clearly. When you’re under the influence of chemistry, you are under the influence of hormones that act like drugs.Can’t eat, can’t sleep, high highs, low lows, the feeling of obsessive longing…it’s all quite unhealthy.Feel free to comb through 800 blog posts and 41,000 comments over six years. Which brings us back to TJ, our original poster: You’ve got a guy who seems like a great guy and is doing everything right on paper.You think my advice is telling you to keep him when you don’t want to keep him. You need to have a personal chemistry with your partner. You need to feel like you can relax around him and be your best self.Give it a chance, just because you feel nothing now doesn't mean you never will.I've worked with many women who complained of the same dilemma.And what most of us have discovered is that because of the intensity of these feelings, you may completely end up ignoring your partner’s bad qualities.Chemistry allows us to sweep under the rug the fact that he’s a selfish asshole or that she’s a crazy bitch…and later justify this behavior and fight to stay in broken relationships that make us unhappy.So those are two reasons – lack of a basic personal and physical chemistry – that you should break up with a perfectly nice person. Relevant story: I was with my wife for nearly 2 years when we got married. I’d survived happily for 36 years without her; I would have been able to put things back together in due time.Yet there’s one big reason to keep a guy you’re not obsessed with: Your expectations of chemistry are way off. If she sadly left me at the altar, I’d be devastated, but I would have recovered. 4 years and 2 kids later, my love for my wife is so much deeper and meaningful. That passion most couples feel for the first 18 months? Reality is when the passion fades and you start building a life together. Since you seem pretty ambivalent about him and you’re pretty young, it seems to me you have your answer. As much as I stress comfort, some marriages should never happen at all. I only hope you can experience this feeling as well; but it starts with finding someone whose company you really enjoy, not someone whose company you merely tolerate.